"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me... For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:1, 13-14
Friends, (especially my sweet girl friends- this is kind of a girly post!)
As I read Psalm 139 this morning, my heart was so refreshed upon the reminder that God made me, He knit me together in my mother's womb, He knows every single thing about me, He knows every cell in my body and every hair on my head. So, although this cancer has taken me so much by surprise, I am so thankful that it has not taken my God by surprise at all. He knows every mutation of every cancer cell before it ever happens. Although, I wish that all my cells were normal and healthy, as each day passes God reveals a little more of His glory and beautiful plan for all this. However, some days I hear stupid Satan's lies: that my cancer infested body is not wonderful, and that when I am bald and potentially barren I won't be beautiful at all. I know these are dumb, dumb lies. So, every day I have to remind myself of the amazing truths of my God: He is Sovereign. He is in control. He made me. His works are wonderful. True beauty comes from within. He Loves me. He has a plan for me. I know these truths seem so simple, but they have filled my heart with peace every time I feel anxious and afraid.
This summer at YL camp, my sweet friend showed me a verse that I have relished in ever since: "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Song of Songs 4:7. Immediately I thought, oh I need to frame this verse and put it right next to McKinley's mirror, so that as she grows up, every time she looks in the mirror, she will be reminded that God made her beautiful, without a flaw. Since before she was born, I have prayed and prayed that her significance in this life would not come from what she sees in the mirror, but who she is in her Maker. I have struggled my whole life with basing my worth off of my looks. So many times I have thought, "if only I was prettier, skinnier, blonder.... then I would be as beautiful as _________." My whole life, my dad, mom, sisters, and friends have told me that I was pretty, I have just chosen to believe Satan's lies. I am so blessed that not a day goes by, that Matt doesn't remind that I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him, not only for what is on the outside, but more-so, because of my heart. This weekend, Matt surprised me with a little weekend get away for us! It was wonderful; he really is the best husband in the world. He reminded me over and over again that it was my heart that he fell in love with, and that is more beautiful than ever. For the past 11 years, God has shown me over and over again that my significance, my true beauty, comes only from Him. Although, this has been a daily struggle for me. So, now as I look forward into the months to come and I see my outer beauty fade away, I have to shut my eyes and hear the voice of my heavenly Dad telling me; "All beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you."
Okay, so because I am a diva of a girl who cares way too much about how I look, I have prayed so much that I wouldn't have to lose my hair during chemotherapy. Oh, I have pleaded with the Lord over this silly thing! Then, last week I received a phone call from a delightful, Jesus loving lady, who just a year ago had the exact same diagnosis as I and used the same Doctors as we have. First, she reassured me that we have chosen the BEST doctors in Dallas, she said they are known as the "dream team." This made me so thankful and definitely reconfirmed our decision on the doctors we have chosen. She said that Dr. Grant and Dr. Carpenter are artists and that my new boobies will be beautiful! lol:) And then she told me, that I may not loose my hair during chemo! Apparently there are these things called Penguin Cold Caps, they are pretty main stream in Europe and other places in the world, but only like 200 women in the United States have used them. This was the first lady at Baylor to ever try them, and she didn't lose her hair! So, I guess how they work is that on the day of chemo for 8 hours, we fill these caps with dry ice and bring my head temperature to -32 degrees Celsius! (That is Freezing!) The theory behind them is that they will freeze my hair follicles, thus preventing the chemo drugs to effect them. Obviously, anyone who does this cannot be a wimp at all! She said my hair may thin a little, and obviously I can't color it for awhile so I will have terrible roots, but I will have hair! A lot of this depends on the type of chemo I will receive, so I'm trying not to get too excited, but at least there is hope that I won't be bald! Needless to say, I was so grateful for that phone call and so thankful that I have a God who hears my every prayer and cares about every little thing about me.
Is there anything too big for our God? Nope, He is bigger still. Is there anything to small for Him to care about? Nope, He delights in the details. When I feel like wandering, I have to remember that I am wonderfully made. There is no flaw in me! You too are wonderfully made by a Wonderful Creator! Will you praise Him with me today?
Tomorrow we meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss all our reconstruction options and I have a bone scan. Then on Friday, I have the sentinel lobe biopsy. Please pray that the cancer has not spread to my bones or lymph nodes. Thank you for praying! Matt and I are overwhelmed and humbled by your love.
Joyfully in HIM~