The Focus In The Fight

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14

Precious Friends,

I feel as though it has been so long since I wrote you last. I hope your holidays were richly blessed. Ours were wonderful. God is so good in allowing us that sweet time in between surgery and chemotherapy to rejuvenate and celebrate who He is and all that He has done in our lives. It was so wonderful to have a little break from all this cancer stuff! One thing that I treasure about cancer is that it helps my heart to find joy in the simple things. Things that I would have never even thought about doing before, now I feel blessed every single time I get to do them. For example, when McKinley wakes up unexpectedly at night, I can't wait to go into her room, reach into her crib and just hold her. Oh, how I love to hold my sweet little girl. About 2 weeks ago, I was cleared to lift McKinley. Praise God! Certain lifting that I wasn't supposed to be able to do for 6 months post-surgery, I can do now! How great is God! I know He is answering the prayers of His beloved. Thank you for praying.

Years ago, I read a wonderful book called Wild At Heart, that completely changed my picture of God and what He wants for my life. I had long thought of God as a meek shepherd: all loving and all forgiving, but not really someone I would want to go to battle with; more like someone I would want to go to coffee with. But as I have fallen more in love with Christ and have gotten to really know Him, God has revealed to me that although He is our all loving, all forgiving, sweet Shepherd, He is also the mightiest, most courageous Warrior in all the universe. Psalm 24:8 NIV - Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. There is absolutely nothing that he can't conquer and that one day, when Christ returns, that He won't completely conquer. So although, there have been many days since my diagnosis that I just needed the loving, compassionate arms of my heavenly Dad to hold me, today, more than ever, I need my Warrior to fight for me. I find so much peace in knowing that since Jesus conquered Death and healed his beloved from the depravity of sin, I know, with full confidence that He can and will conquer cancer and heal me.  One of my favorite sayings is 'Faith is not just believing that God can, but it is knowing that He will.' Tomorrow (Tuesday, January 10th) at 10:30am, I start chemotherapy. I will have labs run and will see Dr. O'Shaugnessy, but my actual infusion will last about two and half hours. So, for two and a half hours, I will just sit there as the medicinal poison flows through my veins and seeks to kill my cancer cells. How awesome then that God promises us: "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still" Exodus 14:14. For perhaps the first time ever in my life, God is not even allowing me to step foot on the battle ground. He just strongly reassures me, "Randi, just be still, I will fight for you, this battle is mine." Although, if you know me, you know that I love to be part of everything, I hate to miss a thing. I want to be on the front lines (more like in the front row) of everything. Its hard and humbling to be taken out of the game. I often think that God just needs a little of my help to accomplish His purpose. Ha! The King of the Universe doesn't need me to help Him at all, He has it all under His perfect control. He just asks us to hand over the reigns, to give Him the steering wheel of our life. That is the ultimate beauty of the gospel; that Jesus died for us and all He ever asks is for us to give our broken, sinful lives to Him. Oh, how I love that truth! So although, I desperately want to actively fight this cancer battle, I am so thankful that God loves me so much that He will fight this one for me. 2 Chronicles 20:15b NIV - This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. I know the victory is already won, so today, tomorrow and every day for the next 6 months, may my heart just "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 Please pray that I would find a perfect peace in letting God fight this battle for me; and that in my stillness, I would fall more in love with my Mighty Warrior.

Although I find immense comfort in the strength of my Savior, there are many moments where I allow the fear of what is to come to grip my every thought.  I often forget that most people have never seen someone they love go through cancer treatment. (If that is you- awesome!) Unfortunately, I feel like I've seen too many. So, I have a pretty good idea of what is to come and the nasty side effects of chemotherapy as well as Lupron. When I dwell on these things, especially since one of my chemotherapy drugs is nicknamed the "Red Devil," I become so scared and anxious. I don't want to be sick and exhausted and irritable, and I desperately do not want to lose my hair. I'm scared to not look or feel like myself. Matt often has reminded me that chemotherapy may change my body for awhile, but it cannot change my heart. Oh, how thankful I am for that. Last night, as Matt and I were spending some sweet time reading God's Word, we read this verse: "But seek First His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:33-34 Please pray that this would be my heart, that I would seek the Lord and His glory before anything else, and that I would be so focused on Him that I wouldn't worry about tomorrow, or any of the tomorrows to come. Matt's mom has wisely told me so many times that God doesn't promise us the grace for the 'what ifs' only for the 'what ares.' I know with all my heart, that God's grace is sufficient for every single thing that is to come and that His power will be made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). With that being true, I have nothing to fear. Anything and everything I am about to face, He will be right there with me, fighting the battle for me. I've heard it reported that it says in the Bible 'to not be afraid' some 365 times. Can you believe that! How perfect and sovereign God is, that He gave us a reminder every single day of the year that we have nothing to fear with Him. So Lord, "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3 Please pray that every moment that I start to fear, that I will trust completely in Him.

Many people have asked me why I still have to go through chemotherapy, even though they took out all my breast tissue and all the visible cancer during surgery. It has been explained to me that it takes at least 1 million cancer cells to decide to land in the exact same spot, before any medical test can detect them. So although, during surgery, they did get all the cancer in my breast tissue, there is a chance that those silly cancer cells are still floating all around my body, and 1 million of them haven't decided to land in the same spot yet. So, chemotherapy drugs are like mass destruction agents. We don't know where in my body the cancer cells could still be lurking, so the chemotherapy drugs seek to kill all rapidly dividing cells. The hard thing about chemotherapy is that it doesn't just kill cancer cells, in the process, it kills many healthy cells too. That is where all the side effects come from the nausea, fatigue, weak immune system, hair loss, etc... Dr. O said that I will experience the worst of the side effects for the 3-5 days following chemotherapy. So that would be Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of this week. I will then have a 'medium' week and then a 'good' week, before I have chemotherapy again on January 31st. We don't know exactly what this all will look like for me, but we are praying for miraculous healing; that I wouldn't experience any of these icky side effects. But we are also praying that if I do, that I would rest in the fact that God's grace is sufficient for my every weakness, and that through my weakness, His strength would be so evident. Please pray that I would have a gentle and quiet spirit, even when I feel irritable and out of control. Although there is great uncertainty in how I may feel, there is greater certainty in who my God is and the beautiful plans that He has for me. I don't know how I could do this without Him.

Sweet friends, I feel as though I have asked you to pray for so much.  As Matt and I have mentioned before, we believe that there is no greater blessing that you could give us than to go before the King of all the universe on our behalf.  Your prayers mean more than I could ever express.  I wish I could be praying for you specifically, but know that I am faithfully praying that you will allow God to fight whatever battle you are facing for you; that you would find still moments just to be with Him even in the busyness of life; and that you would not fear anything that tomorrow has to bring. Is there a battle that you are trying to fight in your own strength? As I have mentioned before, you may have heard of the Loving Lamb, but I hope today that you get to know the Mighty Warrior who desperately wants to fight on your behalf. I love you and am so thankful for you everyday.

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands


1 Samuel 17:47 NIV - All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's..."

Eye's Fixed, Endurance Found

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Precious Friends,

It feels wonderful to be able to write this. This last week has definitely been the most physically painful of my life. I don't think I could have ever prepared myself for the icky, icky pain that I am facing. As I have said before though, I am a wimp:) I cry when things hurt. I have cried a lot this past week. But I am crying this morning as I write this because God is so faithful and he answers prayers! Friday night when Matt posted on the blog, we last updated y'all that we couldn't find a pain medicine that would work for me and we asked for prayer. Oh, I am so thankful for your prayers, because within hours we tried a different pain med and it worked! My pain definitely lessened and I was able to sleep! Praise God. It overwhelms my heart that we have family and friends that would pray for us and that we have a loving God who hears our every prayer. If as many people are truly praying as say they are praying, then God's glory is for sure going to shine through all this pain:) Thank you for praying.

In one of my weakest moments when the pain was at its peak, Matt's sweet Grandma gently reminded me that when the pain is there, it is an opportunity to remember the suffering Jesus endured for me. What a blessing it has been to take my thoughts off of me and instead put them on Jesus. It completely blows my mind that the King of the Universe would come down to Earth and endure the worst death possible, death on a cross, just for me; Just for you. This week in my devotional, I read this amazing verse, " See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;" Isaiah 49:16 As Jesus was nailed to the cross, my name was engraved on the palms of his hands! He was thinking about me. I remember so clearly the night at YL camp when I was 16, that I finally understood that Jesus wasn't just some guy that died on a cross for all the good people in this world. My young life leader so lovingly told me that Jesus knew every little thing about me, every mistake I had ever made and will ever make, and he loved me more than I could even imagine. "God demonstrated his own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 That day on that cross, perfect Jesus, who deserved none of it, endured the worst suffering imaginable, all because he loved a sinner like me. Even if I was the only person on earth, Jesus still would have died for me. The same is true of you; He died for you. He knows every tiny thing about you and he passionately loves you. Do you know that love? Oh, I hope so. If you don't, I would love nothing more in this world than to talk to you about it. Jesus would love nothing more than for you talk to him about it. When Jesus died on that cross and arose from the dead three days later, the greatest rescue plan in all of history occurred. Jesus saved us from an eternity of life without him. He saved me from a life of me. The day I finally understood this truth and accepted the amazing gift Christ has to offer, it changed my life forever. That day in 2000, I gave my whole life to Christ. It has been the best decision I have ever made. Jesus never promises that a life with Him will be easy and free from pain and trials (oh, how I understand this evermore now), but that He will "never leave us or forsake us. "Hebrews 13:5. I can't imagine living one day of this icky cancer without my Jesus.   Although the physical pain at times feels overwhelming, it pales in comparison to the pain of living any day without Him.  So, even though my body feels like it is wasting away, my heart is renewed every day as I set my eyes on Jesus. He understands my every pain, he has been there, he gets it. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2 Please continue to pray that Matt and I will fix our eyes on Jesus every single day of this journey. I pray that you too will fix your eyes on Him.

Tomorrow we go to see Dr. Carpenter and hopefully I will get these silly drains removed! Please pray that I am healing well and that I will respect the boundaries that the Doctors and this cancer have put on me. I have been known to push boundaries:) My parents have so lovingly been here for the past week and have taken great care of McKinley and I. I will be sad to see them to go back to Colorado tomorrow, but my sweet little sister Ryli is flying in tonight to be with us for the next week. I am so excited for sweet time with her. If you by chance see Matt or have the time to email/call him in the days ahead, please give him a big hug, because he is without a doubt the best husband in the world. He has served me in the most selfless of ways. I know that nearly 5 years ago when he married me, he never thought he would have to care for me in these ways. I hate that he has to do it. But golly, he has loved me more in the last week than I could ever describe. Please encourage him with me. God is so good to give me a husband like Matt and family and friends like all of you. I am encouraged every day by your love and I truly thank God for you.

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands

Purpose In Pain

John 11:4 NIV - When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it."

This has to be one of the most painful experiences of my life, helplessly watching my precious wife go through so many tests, appointments, phone calls and scans and all I can do is be there with her through this. Oh, if there were any which way that I might take this cancer from her and put it on myself, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment; even if it were for just a day.  To think, this is only the beginning of our journey; I am so glad that I get to walk it with her.  

This past Sunday, Randi and I heard about a sweet lady that had lived her life in such a way that when it was her funeral, her husband and three boys stood in front of her casket and cheered.  She had lived a Proverbs 31 life,  so "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:" (Pro 31:28 NIV).  You must understand, this is the type of woman that my wife is. To me "...She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." (Pro 31:10-12 NIV).  When I look on the pain that is this situation, everything in me screams that this is not fair.  It's true.  It's not fair - that I get to be married to such a woman of noble character; to her. She has a trust that outlasts trials, a love that outlives looks, a faith that outshines flames, and a hope that overcomes helplessness.  In all sincerity, she is my hero that also happens to be my helpmate.  I am so blessed by her.

That is why this is so painful.  When friends call and ask how we are doing, it is a difficult question to answer. This hurts.  The pain is very much palpable.  However, in the midst of our pain, Randi and I have found great comfort in the realization that pain always has a purpose.  Oh, what vanity and emptiness it would be to think that the present sufferings don't matter in the end! Ah, but we know that "You (the enemy) intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." (Gen 50:20 NLT) Also, in Romans 8:28 NKJV - And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. That is why I am praying John 11:4 today that "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." There is purpose in pain.

What pain is it today that you are experiencing? What is it that is bringing you comfort in the pain?  Is it a bottle, a pill, a person? What about a PURPOSE? We may not know all the reasons why things may happen in this life, but oh what a promise we have: that in the end, God has a purpose! Will you trust Him with me? For, there is Purpose In Pain.  

Purpose in Pain

There is purpose in pain,

Every mountain top has its climb,

Every dark night has its dawn,

Every rose buds in time,

There is purpose in pain.

There is purpose in pain,

Every birth has its travail,

Every victory has its battle,

Every cross has its nail,

There is purpose in pain.

There is purpose in pain,

Every diamond is dug from dirt,

Every healing has its sickness,

Every hope has its hurt,

There is purpose in pain.

There is Purpose in Pain,

Every newborn has its first breath,

Every phoenix has its ashes,

Every Resurrection has its death,

There is purpose in Pain.

Grateful for pain that has a purpose, however painful it may be,

Matt