Fear Overridden By Faith

This is an email Randi sent to some of her close friends last Friday...

My sweet friends,

Tears stream down my face as i try to write this, so please forgive me if I don't make complete sense. Thank you for your sweet words and messages of encouragement over the past few days, they mean the world to me:) But most of all thank you for praying... I can feel God's sweet arms holding me tighter than ever. The last 5 days seem like a whirlwind... I still feel so healthy, so it so hard to grasp that cancer is inside of me. But now more than ever, I know that God is in control, and that He will use this for His glory. From the 1st day we found the lump, Matt and I started praying that no matter what the future holds, our sweet Lord would be glorified. So although my emotions have been all over the place, my heart is peaceful. I feel honored that God would let me carry this cross. I am scared and sad, but I surrendered my life to Christ when I was 16, and He has proven faithful every single day since, so I know He won't stop now. I have read 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 about a million times: "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness... Therfore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong." So I am trying so hard to praise God that His power can be made perfect in my weakness. And I'm not about to let Satan steal my joy:)

So now for an update: As for today, the update is that I have invasive ductile breast cancer. We do not know the stage yet, as we are waiting on my full body scans to see if it has spread anywhere. But my Doctors think it will be Stage 1 or 2 (meaning it is only in my breast). This type of cancer is fueled by estrogen and progesterone and probably developed when I was pregnant with sweet McKinley. The MRI showed that it has not spread to the right breast, Praise God! and it doesn't look like it has infected the lymph nodes either, which is great! But there are 3 cancerous masses on my left breast. Together, they make a 3.6cm tumor (which is pretty big). That means that I defientely have to get a masectomy on my left side and if we want to be preventative my right side also. I'm not really sad about having my silly lil boobs removed (i get new pretty ones:), but I am so sad that if I get both removed, then I will never get to breast feed again. That breaks my heart. We met with an oncologist (cancer Dr) on Thursday. There was a lot to talk about but kind of regardless because of my age, I have to go through chemotherapy and then be on a cancer hormone drug for 5+ years. Chemo will start 3-4 weeks after surgery and will last 20-24 weeks. I am scared of chemo and really scared to lose my hair... My cancer is hormonal based, so the best chemo treatment would attack the origin of estrogen and progesterone, which is my ovaries. So the chemo could make me infertile and therefore we may never get to have another biological baby again. Of all the news that we have gotten, this is by far the hardest for me. I can't even think about it without bawling. My/Our dream was to have 2+ more babies (we were going to start trying in December) and then adopt a little black boy:). I know that through adoption we can still have our big family, it is just so hard to hand God my dreams and to trust that his dreams are so much better. The oncologist said that they will try everything they can to reduce the risk of infertility, but because my cancer was due to pregnancy, if I ever do get to be pregnant again, then I will have a high risk of re-developing cancer. It is all so much for my heart to take in.

My breast Dr (Dr Iyengar) has referred us to a team of Drs down at UT Southwestern: a fertility specailist, a medical oncologist, and another breast surgeon. Because of my age, I am kinda in a league of my own. Dr. Iyengar (who looks just like my friend Naina, so of course I love her:) says that this team of Drs is the best. However, when we called to get an appointment, 2 of 3 Drs were completely booked until November 26th. I dont think that I can wait that long. Please pray that appointments would open up and that I would get to be treated by these Drs or that God would provide another excellent set of Drs. Time seems so precious right now. I dont want this cancer in me any longer. We are also going to get another opinion from a great breast surgeon at Baylor Dallas. We have heard really great things about him. We did get an appointment with the fertility cancer Dr at UT southwestern on Monday. I am excited to see what he will have to say about everything. Next week I will also have a CT scan, PET scan (whole body cancer scan) and brain MRI. Please pray that the cancer has not spread anywhere else.

As far as Matt and I go, we are doing great. I can't imagine a better earthly warrior to fight this battle with me. He is amazing and I fall more in love with him everyday. His faith just blows me away. How blessed I am to be married to him:) McKinley is the most precious thing in the world. She brings more joy to my life than I can explain. Please pray that I can continue to love her so well during these hard times. I dont want her sweet little world to change because of me.

I will try to keep you all updated. Right now is just a waiting game for tests and Dr appointments. Please pray for us. Pray for healing and wisdom, but moreso pray that Jesus will be more famous because of this. I love you all so much and am eternally thankful for your friendship.

Only by His Grace~

Rands